When Darkness Falls
by LovingMyDoctor
Summary: "That old partner of yours [...] Did he ever do you?" Silence. "He did, didn't he? You still want him. I can hear it in your voice." What if Lewis was right? My take on why Elliot left and how he spent his Last Night with Liv. Please R&R!


This idea has been on my mind for a while. Because of something that Lewis said, while he held Liv captive.  
This is not my first law and order fanfiction, but it's the first one I'm posting. It is dedicated to a friend of mine called ClaryBerry5ever. Sorry this took so long and thank you for being so great.

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When Darkness Falls

* * *

"_That old partner of yours, well he sounds very macho, doesn't he?"_

"_No."_

"_Must have been tough for you all the long nights alone in the car."_

"_You don't get to talk about him."_

"_Did he ever do you?"_

"_... "_

"_He did, didn't he? You still want him. I can hear it in your voice."_

* * *

That night seemed darker than every other night. Although he was in New York City, supposedly t_he city that never sleeps, _he felt enveloped in darkness. The lights, the noise, the liveliness of the city did not reach him, as he made his way from the parking lot to the hospital.  
Elliot Stabler was not a nervous man. He was the man that stayed calm or he got sincerely aggressive. This feeling of being nervous was new to him.

He didn't bring any flowers, he knew there was nothing he could bring to make things right again.

It was impossible.

The feeling, which had crept into his bones since Kathy had called him, wasn't gone yet. It stuck to him. He could feel it in every inch of his body.

"Elliot...I think Olivia needs you."

He had wasted some time. He'd turned on the TV and watched some of the news. William Lewis. They had showed a picture of the man, who had kidnapped and who had held her captive for days. That flame of hatred pitched up inside him again, it mingled with the nervousness and he began to fill ill.

He had watched how her new partner had come to meet her and had put a jacket around her shoulders, leading her to safety. He had seen she was hurt.

That was the one thing he had been so afraid of, the one thing he had always been afraid of seeing. He couldn't cope with Olivia being hurt.

The room she lay in was just down the hall. It had been two years since they had last seen each other.

He would never forget their last night together, because it had also been their first.

After shooting Jenna he hadn't been able to go home. He'd tried, he'd driven all the way to Queens, but didn't manage to get out of the car. So he drove to Olivas apartment.

It was as if she had been waiting for him, as if she knew he would come.

"El." The softness of her voice had reached out to him and sometimes, when he couldn't sleep at night he liked to remember back to this moment, "It wasn't your fault. You did what you had to do."

Elliot hadn't answered, he'd merely sat down on her couch and Olivia understood. She always understood and she always knew what was going on inside of him. She had been his perfect partner and together they had been the perfect team.

Did he know then? Did he already know he would walk out of her life the next day and not contact her again? Did he know he was ending their partnership?

Many times Elliot had thought about this and he could not remember an actual real intended moment, when he knew. Looking back he realised he probably had known he would leave the job before he went to her apartment. He just hadn't _known_ he had known.  
Olivia didn't ask him if he was OK. She knew better and told him he _would_ be OK.  
"I know."  
She offered him a beer, but he declined. He wanted to have a clear mind that night. He needed to be able to think properly.  
Elliot was the one who started the entire mess. He leaned in to kiss her, desperately pressing his lips against hers.  
"Elliot - " She pushed him away gently, "We shouldn't do this."  
"Please, Liv. _Please_."  
She understood how badly he needed this. She would have done anything for him. So she pulled him in.

Elliot remembered every little detail of that night. How she smelled, tasted and how it felt to be with her. He would never forget it and he knew Olivia would never forget it either.

And Kathy would never forget.  
Oh Kathy would never forget what he did to her that night. Not only did Elliot sleep with another woman, but he went to Olivia for help, searched for the release he needed with his partner and not with his wife.

Looking back he realised it had only been a matter of time. There had always been something between him and Olivia and in the last months it had grown stronger.

Olivia had taken in that young boy Calvin and Elliot had risked his career for her. He would have done everything in his power to help her keep him. He'd left her and then Sonya had died...he'd rushed back just in time to catch her before she fell. He remembered exactly how it had felt to have her in his arms, to know she was safe and they were together.

They had gone undercover to a swingers club, pretended to be a married couple.

There had always been something between them, but those last months...it was almost as if they both knew they were to loose each other in the end. As if they knew they had to take every chance they could to be together. As if they couldn't take their small moments together as granted any longer.

That night it had reached its peak and got totally out of control.

They slept with each other many many times that night. It didn't seem to stop. Romantic people would say it was their love for each other that kept them awake. But, really it was just the fact that they knew there would only be this one night.

Of course Elliot loved Olivia. He just couldn't show it the way he could show his wife. He couldn't kiss her, make love to her or buy her presents. He could protect her, work with her, have her back and always be on her side. For better, for worse.

However, he had failed in doing those things.

The closer he came to the hospital room, the further away he got from that last night they had spent together.

That night was in the past. She had been there for him and he was there for her now.  
He stood in front of the door, his hand reached out to the doorknob, he took a deep shaky breath and was about to knock, when a voice hissed harshly,  
"Stabler! What do you think you're doing?!"

Elliot turned around to face the man, who stood there with two cups of streaming coffee with a hateful glare on his eyes.

"Cassidy."

Seeing him was not something Elliot had hoped for, but it was better than running into Fin. Or Olivias new partner.

"You should go." Brian Cassidy strode closer to him, his body shaking with rage, "You should leave right now, before you do something stupid."

"I just want to see if she's OK."

"She's not OK!" His former colleague snapped aggressively, "She's as far away from being OK, as anyone could possibly be! She _will_ be OK. But it's not your job to make that happen nor is it any of your business."

There was a silence, which lay between the two men filling the space around them with a destructive tension.

Elliot decided to break it.

"She told you about that night?"  
"She didn't have to." Cassidy stepped closer now, "The way she mourned after you were gone, the look in her eyes every time your name came up..." He was so close now that his voice dropped to a whisper, "The amount of time it took for her to fully trust me... You broke her Stabler, long before any of this crap had happened to her." He pointed at the hospital door behind her, "I'm not letting you hurt her again."

For once Elliot was speechless.

Of course Cassidy was right. He had hurt her. He had left her, abandoned her and now, ultimately dissapointed her. And he was afraid to see this in her eyes.

"You know her well." Elliot whispered, "If she asks...if you think it will help her, tell her I was here. Tell her about this conversation and tell her I am sorry."

He would be sorry for as long as he lived. For the abuse she had to take and for the night he had initiated.

Elliot turned around and left.

This wasn't the way he had wanted this night to go. A part of him wanted to run back and yell at Cassidy and fight his way past him if he had to.

But he wasn't that man any longer. He was the nervous one, the coward.

And he was not responsible for Olivia Benson.

He walked outside into the night, through the dark streets. It was too late to make up to Olivia what he had done. Their time had come and gone. He was no longer her partner, no longer her friend. She had moved on from that night, he had broken her and she had gotten over it.

It was time for him to do the same.

He walked the few blocks to his car to drive home. It was time to let go of the past and let things be. He wasn't the man he used to be. He wasn't the man he wanted to be. But maybe, just maybe he'd be able to let go of the fact and accept the way he was now. Accept his life as it was now.

As he drove through the bright lights of the dark city things began to get clearer. The darkness around him finally fell into place. He wasn't OK. Olivia wasn't OK.

But they would be.

* * *

I'm really happy with how this turned out. It's not happy, but it makes it easier for me to think that El left, because he knew the partnership/friendship was ruined. And **seriously**, why did Olivia not answer Lewis' question?  
Tell me what you think!


End file.
